Preparing for TX/OU Weekend

1.) Stick to the fundamentals early in the week when preparing for the
game on Saturday. Clean the flask, study the spread, talk some early
trash, but stay focused. Make any bets early...alcohol and emotion are
sure ways to get your ass in a bind around kickoff. I recommend locating
your game tickets now and handing them over to someone less emotionally
involved. Try not to get drunk before Thursday...if you peak too early
in the week, you might leave your edge in a bar and not have it when you
need it come game day.

2.) Suspend all health related activities at least 10 days prior to
kickoff. The last thing you need is a clean system going into the
fairgrounds. Prepare for the onslaught of sugar, carbs and alcohol that
awaits you on Saturday. Have a pizza. You want to be concerned with your
teams ability to stop the runs, not your own.

3.) Get as absolutely hammered as you can on Friday night. I recommend
meeting with some buddies early for happy hour and getting so drunk that
you are late for your dinner reservations or even miss them all
together. If you want to take it up a notch, don't call your wife or girlfriend to
tell her where you are or answer her calls while she is trying to find
you. This will obviously piss her off something fierce, but she is going
to get pissed off sometime during the weekend anyway...so set the tone
early and get it over with. Look at it as helping prepare her for how
it's going to be on Saturday when you are again so shit faced you can't
see and spend the entire day completely ignoring her.

4.) Get to the fair as early as you possibly can, no matter what time
the game kicks off.
This won't be easy. You wife is not as stupid as you would like her to
be. The earlier you get there, the drunker you will be when she tricks
you into leaving that night and she knows it. Trying to justify the need
to arrive 6 hours before kickoff will require you to have a plan. Your
wife will want to shower and get ready because she thinks it's important
to look cute. She will talk about all the people she will see that day
that she hasn't seen in a long time. If you want to leave for the game
at 9 am, tell her 8:30...that way you will at least be on the road by
9:15. You can make up the difference on the drive down. Yes, she will
bitch about your driving to fast, but the extra 15 minutes of drinking
before the game will be worth it.

5.) Upon arrival at the fair, immediately do the following:
5A.) Estimate how many coupons it would take to feed and entertain the
Huxstable's, the Brady's and the Walton's for an entire day at the
fair....then buy double that amount. It will seem like way to much, but
it won't be. Hey, let's face it; you and your buddies are going to be
drinking a lot more than Peter Brady and John Boy Walton so buck up.

5B.) Find a bathroom somewhere off the beaten path and show it to your
wife. This will save you from having to do it 27 times later.

5C.) get her a corndog. You know she wants one, hell you probably do too.

The line is as short as it is going to be all day, so get it over with.

6.) Ignore your wife. She expects it and will make you pay later anyway,
so you might as well take advantage. This is the one day a year when you
get a free pass to act like an idiot with other idiots with free passes
from their wife's. I truly think that is why OU/Texas is at the
fairgrounds. Our wives bring us there inside the fence and unhook the
leash so we can runaround like idiots marking our territory. They sit
and talk to each other and watch to make sure we don't run out a gate
and into traffic. If you did what you were suppose to with 3A and 3B,
then you have fulfilled your obligation as a husband.....after that,

it's about beer and football with your buddies.

7.) When you get to your seats at the game, introduce yourself and
apologize to all those around you for things you are going to do and say
later. Tell them that you tend to get emotional and scream things during
the game that are not always pleasant. They will laugh uncomfortably and
think you are kidding, only to realize later when the game starts that
you weren't. It makes them feel like they can't really say anything,
because you already said you were sorry. After last year, people in my
section are convinced I have Tourettes Syndrome, so I just went with it.
Look for children...warn the parents before they learn the hard way that
the F word can be used as a noun, verb and adjective...all in the same
sentence.

8.) Be prepared for the fact that some people don't realize the
importance of this game. Write them off to being imbeciles and move
on... Use verbal assaults disguised as compliments to fulfill any psycho
rage thing you have working. The TVs in jail are tough to see and none
of your buddies are going to give up their free pass to leave and come
get you out of jail...so fighting should be as a last resort
only...besides you are not near as tough as you think you are.